The Stickybeak Neighbour (The Ugly)
They’ve been peering over the fence for years, and now’s their chance to ride straight in. Not here to buy, just to shoot their mouth off. They’ll sneer at your renos, point out the leaking gutter, and make sure everyone within ear shot knows about your dog’s late-night barking. Call them what they are - the local bandits.
The Millennials With Kids (The Bad)
They swagger in with soy lattes and two little deputies in tow. Within seconds, Jack and Milly are bouncing off the styling furniture like it’s a rodeo. You ask politely if they can rein them in. The parents just smile: “Oh no, we don’t use the word no.” Meanwhile, Jack’s just launched himself off the armchair like a stuntman in a spaghetti western bar fight.
The Stealth Buyer (The Good, but Mysterious)
This one drifts through like a lone ranger. Silent, unreadable, poker-faced. You’d think they’re killing time before a gunfight. Then, out of nowhere, they circle back a few days later with a full-cash offer. No fanfare, just a smoking gun on the table.
The Big Noter (The Ugly)
Swagger, volume, bravado. Loves asking, “Can I buy this with crypto?” as if he’s Clint Eastwood with a briefcase full of gold. Drops hints he’s a Scotch old boy, then drives off in a 20-year-old Hyundai i20 with 2010 hail damage. All hat, no cattle.
The Serious Buyer (The Good)
The one you’re hoping will ride into town. No nonsense. No theatrics. Just steady hands opening cupboards, testing taps, and asking the questions that matter. While the outlaws strut around, they’re the only sharpshooter in the room.
The Pre-Home-Open Pleader (The Worst of the Worst)
Every agent’s nightmare. They beg to see the place before the first open, claiming some half-baked emergency: “We can’t come to the first open, we’re flying out to France, but we’re all ready to go and know this is the one.” Against your better judgement, you ask the seller for a private the day before launch… and tumbleweeds they never show. If there was a wanted poster for time-wasters, their faces would be plastered on it.
What sellers need to remember
Every open home is a western. Some come armed with cash, others with excuses. Some are just in it for the gossip. The trick isn’t clearing out the bad and the ugly - it’s making sure your sheriff (read: agent) can spot the good, steady their aim, and close the deal.
The takeaway
Open homes are battlegrounds disguised as inspections. They’re showdowns of comedy, chaos, and the occasional jackpot. Don’t worry about the neighbours heckling from the sidelines or the buyers spinning stories.
At the end of the day, you only need one buyer - the one with the biggest pockets and the fastest draw.
Want more real estate tales from the wild west (of Perth)?
You can catch more of my columns in Western Suburbs Weekly, every Thursday,
or head to our blog and socials for fresh takes, tips, and stories from the front lines of real estate.
— Paulette Contessi, CEO & Founder Contessi Properties
0438 908 264
